Top 6 secrets to making emotionally intelligent friendships

Top 6 secrets to making emotionally intelligent friendshipsTop 6 secrets to making emotionally intelligent friendshipsWe all want good, close friends.Problem is, while high school sure had gym class, it didnt have Emotional Intelligence 101.So what part of emotional intelligence is critical for friendships? Emotional intimacy.FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of FriendshipSociologist Ray Pahl states that friendships today are based primarily on trust and emotional intimacy.So what is emotional intimacy?FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of FriendshipEmotional intimacy is the experience of being deeply connected to abedrngnisherbei person who knows and understands your fruchtwein important feelings and who shares his or her own with you.Yeah, that sounds nice but its still at Hallmark Card levels of pleasant vagueness. So we can probably recognize the concept better by looking at itsopposite.FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of FriendshipIf there were a label for this problem in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it might read something like Emotional Intimacy Deficiency- a problem characterized by a sense of shallowness in ones relationships with others, associated with a failure to recognize or express feelings, to reveal personal details about oneself, to be vulnerable or let anyone help you, to comfortably share attention or let go of control, and to listen without having to solve a problem.This wont shock you at all, but research shows men are far worse at this than women. Both sexes can certainly struggle, but this is a department where men really lag behind.And that causes a lot of problems for men. Serious problems. bedrngnis just unfulfilling relationships - its mora akin to a chronic emotional illness that affects every area of life.FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of Friendship(Men who lack emotional intimacy) take longer to recover from minor illnesses, have lower resistance levels, and have reduced survival times when diagnosed with terminal illness. They are 50 percent mora likely to have a first-time heart attack, and twice as likely to die from it, than men with strong social ties. When depressed, behauptung men have significantly lower rates of recovery than those who have close relationships Wives who cite their husbands emotional unavailability as the primary cause of divorce initiate two out of every three divorces today. At the far end of the life cycle, older men without close relationships have 20 percent lower ten-year survival rates compared with those who do.That said, womens friendships arent perfect either.Were going to dive into the research and landsee the most common ways both sexes struggle with friendship, what they can do about it, and how they can learn from each other to improve.So how do you increase emotional intimacy and build emotionally intelligent friendships? It comes down to six steps. Lets get to it1) Know thyselfThe th ing everybody skips. Knowing yourself means you know what you want and need, and this is critical for both picking new friends and strengthening existing relationships.How many friends would you optimally have? What level of closeness do you need? How frequently do you want to communicate? You want to askyourself, What features of a friendship will be most fulfilling to me in the long run?Research shows this is critical for women. We live in a world largely run by men, so women know they need close friendships to provide the things their often male-dominated-environments dont give them.FromBuddy ordnungsprinzipBy forming relationships with a group of women, women escape having their relationships defined by mens way of interacting. By defining relationships for themselves, women are able to construct them in a way that is mora consistent with their own beliefs.So take some time to think about what you want and need.(No, that 2 seconds between sentences doesnt count. Really sit down and take a half hour and think. And write stuff down.)If you just rely on serendipity to bring you friendships and to move them forward, well, thats what got you where you are now. Time to be a little mora deliberate.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my new bookhere.)So before we go to work on developing emotional intimacy, lets find out whats been getting in the way of it. In the modern world, whats the biggest obstacle to adult friendships?2) Make the timeActually, you cant make time. We all have 24 hours in a day. The more accurate thing to say is make time with your friends a priority. What friendships need to grow intimate and strong is hours.What are the most common friendship fights about? Time commitments.ViaFriendfluence The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We AreDaniel Hruschka reviewed studies on the causes of conflict in friendship and found that the most common friendship fights boil down to time commitments. Spending time with someone is a sure indicator that you value him no one likes to feel undervalued.And the research shows this is where men make a big mistake. Whether its due to the longer hours men spend working or simply leid making friendship the priority that women do, guys often dont put in the time.FromBuddy SystemFrom the responses, it appears women were less apt to say they did not have time for friends. Although the majority (60%) of men say they have enough friends, 40% do not have enough or are unsure, a greater number than the women. It may be that some men are pulled by work and cannot find the time to balance friends, work, and family.Unsurprisingly, in adulthood the biggest thing that takes away friend-time is family-time. And while no blogger in his right mind would ever type, You should spend less time with your family, he might be able to get away with saying something like the far more acceptable, Balance is critical.Researchhas shown that in the modern era we have become far too reliant o n spouses to provideallof our emotional needs - and that simply doesnt work. So whats a feasible solution?Including friends in family time is not only a way to kill two birds with one stone, it also improvesbothrelationships.ViaFriendfluence The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We AreMost intriguing was how couples rated their own relationships more positively after interacting with other pairs. Married partners fall into routine interactions and often fail to make theeffort to entertain and please as they did when they were winning each other over. Putting your best self forward for new friends allows you to shine and to see your partner through new eyes as she shines, too. Maintaining older mutual friendships also strengthens the bond between long-term partners Having people around who think of the two of you as a unit, who admire your relationship, and who expect you to stay together can sustain you through times of doubt or distance.So you want to make friendships a priority and give them the time they need to become emotionally intimate. And if youre lacking hours, invite friends to join you for family time.(To learn how to make friends easily, clickhere.)Okay, so you know what you want and youre making pals a priority. But which of your friends do you need to focus on building emotional intimacy with?3) Must, trust, rust, and justLooking at theresearch, the types of friends that men and women have fall into the same four categories must, trust, rust and just.Must friends The innerhalb circle. The closest of the close.Trust friends Not inner circle, but people you trust, share confidences with and know are there for you.Rust friends Theyre pals simply because youve known them a long time. (If it had more than that, theyd be must or trust.)Just friends Closer than acquaintances and you may see them regularly with a group, but youre not tight with them and dont have a big shared history.Whats critical here when it comes to emotional intimacy is those mu st friends. And trust friends are important because they can, with work, be promoted to must friends.First and foremost, you want to work on strengthening those must friendships and devoting more time to them. And you want to evaluate which of your trust friends meet with your know thyself criteria and might be worthy of elevation. Rust and just friends are good for rounding out your social circle but should receive less attention and investment.(To learn more about the types of friends everyone needs, clickhere.)Whats the first step in strengthening those must and trust friends - or finding totally new ones?4) Be proactiveYoure going to need to do some legwork. You need to be proactive and initiate contact.And you need to makeconcreteplans. I live in Los Angeles and in this city saying, We should get together sometime is pretty much synonymous with, I have no intention of ever seeing you again.Specify places and times or your friendships will be determined by serendipity, which is the euphemism lazy people use for dumb luck.The optimistic angle here is that if youre being passive you can pretty much be certain other people are being passive too. So if you lead, some will follow. Organize a group, throw a party, or just invite a friend to coffee.And what should you look for when meeting new folks who might become future must or trust friends? All the research agreessimilarityis key. Not only does it draw us to people, it also makes friendships more likely to last.FromBuddy SystemSimilarities also occur when tastes and interests match up, and similarities make friendships easier to maintain. And, unless you are interested in hanging out with people who make you feel bad about yourself (not a good interest to have), finding someone who conveys that you are likeable to them will be very reinforcing to your self-esteem.Beyond similarity, you should also look forpeople you want to learn something from. Since youtook the time to sit down and know thyself, think abo ut the person you want to be. Your best self.Who do you want to rub off on you? To make you a better spouse, parent, worker or human being?(To learn more about how to make friends as an adult, clickhere.)Okay, you know what you want, youre making time, and youre proactive. So whats therealkey to developing emotional intimacy with your friends?5) CommunicationYeah, you hear communicating is vital constantly from experts but few ever break it down so you know how to actually do it. (These experts must not be good communicators.)You want to focus on four primary elementscreating safety, vulnerability, emotional expressiveness, and active listening.Creating safety Is my friend going to feel comfortable opening up to me? Am I being too judgmental? Or, at the opposite extreme, too nosy and pushy?Vulnerability Are you sharing personal thoughts and feelings with them? Reciprocity is powerful and this is vital to helping both of you. Quick litmus test are you scared to talk about the subject ? Then youre being vulnerable.Emotional expressiveness Dont just talk thoughts. Talk feelings. Yours and theirs. (Guys, if youre recoiling at this, youre proving the point that you need to work on it.)Active listening Good listeners dont just hear they make the other person feel heard. Nod, acknowledge, and summarize what your friend said for confirmation. As former FBI hostage negotiatorChris Vossadvises, if they respond Exactly - youre doing it right.Women are much better at this than men. They spend more time communicating and focus more on emotional support.FromBuddy SystemWhen asked the question concerning what they did with their friends, giving emotional support also was more common for women than for men.Much of male communication is teasing the other guy (which, taken too far, is the opposite of safety.) Men feel being vulnerable is theworstthing they can do (and to be fair, the cultural ideal of the strong, silent type and phrases like man up arent helping any.) Males are taught not to be expressive. And guys tend to focus on problem-solving instead of listening during conversations.FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of FriendshipWe have found in our Friendship Labs that men are often willing to trade zingers and even enjoy mutual sparring, but only in limited doses. And while most will put up with it, they definitely will not open up when its coming at them.That said, women face challenges here too. Because they are taught to put others at ease and say supportive things, the issue of trust can become a problem Does she really mean what shes saying, or is she just being nice?FromBuddy SystemSociologist Lillian Rubin cites one woman as saying that, because women are so expressive and afraid of hurting someones feelings, compliments are never assumed to be true. How can I believe she means I look good when she says it automatically, every time I see her?The solution for both sexes is, you guessed it, more and deeper communication. Doing th e things necessary to make the other person feel safe - and then vulnerably discussing tough subjects gently and respectfully.(To learn more about how to handle the most difficult of conversations, clickhere.)So you have the tools to build emotional intimacy. But once you have it, how do you keep a solid friendship alive?6) UpkeepFriendships require upkeep, like a plant. Yes, some friends are succulents that require little watering but youre probably forgetting all the ones that turned brown and ended up in the trash.You need to stay in regular contact. Research shows for solid friendships,every 2 weeksis the minimum.In general, women are much better at this than men.FromBuddy SystemWomen maintain friendships largely through communication and staying in frequent contact In contrast, only 10% of the men maintained friendships through frequent contactBut ladies face problems as well. Due to the amount of communication and openness, women are more likely to damage their friendships th an men.Survey results show women were more likely to say they lost a friend because of something they said or did (65% vs 50% for men.)That said, women are more likely to make efforts to repair damaged friendships, while men are more likely to let the relationship dissolve.So women might want to put more effort in to not getting offended. And given how difficult it can be for men to make must friends, they should learn from the ladies and make more attempts to fix a troubled friendship rather than just moving on.(To learn how neuroscience can teach you to be more emotionally intelligent, clickhere.)Alright, weve learned a lot. Time to round it all up and see how all this leads to a more meaningful lifeSum upThis is how to make emotionally intelligent friendshipsKnow thyself To get the friendships you want, you have to know what you want.Make time More accurately, make it a priority. We all waste time. So, uh, just dont waste time alone.Must, Trust, Rust, Just The first two are key. Strengthen the must and try to elevate the trust.Be proactive In case you need confirmation, waiting for the phone to ring does not, in fact, make the phone ring.Communication Create safety, be vulnerable, be emotionally expressive and use active listening. And a sincere compliment never hurt either, beautiful.Upkeep Youre not too busy to send a text message every two weeks. If you think youll forget, put it in your calendar.Researchshows your friends often know you better than you know yourself. So not only does being closer to friends make your life better, its also the path to getting to know yourself better.So do what it takes to improve your relationships with friends and youll also improve the one relationship thats key to happiness in lifeThe one you have with yourself.Join more than 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly update via schmelzglashere.Related postsNew Neuroscience Reveals 4 Rituals That Will Make You HappyNew Harvard Research Reveals A Fun Way To Be More SuccessfulHo w To Get People To Like You 7 Ways From An FBI Behavior ExpertThis article first appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.Top 6 secrets to making emotionally intelligent friendshipsWe all want good, close friends.Problem is, while high school sure had gym class, it didnt have Emotional Intelligence 101.So what part of emotional intelligence is critical for friendships? Emotional intimacy.FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of FriendshipSociologist Ray Pahl states that friendships today are based primarily on trust and emotional intimacy.Follow Ladders on FlipboardFollow Ladders magazines on Flipboard covering Happiness, Productivity, Job Satisfaction, Neuroscience, and moreSo what is emotional intimacy?FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of FriendshipEmotional intimacy is the experience of being deeply connected to another person who knows and understands your most important feelings and who shares his or her own with you.Yeah, that sounds nice but its still at Ha llmark Card levels of pleasant vagueness. So we can probably recognize the concept better by looking at itsopposite.FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of FriendshipIf there were a label for this problem in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, it might read something like Emotional Intimacy Deficiency- a problem characterized by a sense of shallowness in ones relationships with others, associated with a failure to recognize or express feelings, to reveal personal details about oneself, to be vulnerable or let anyone help you, to comfortably share attention or let go of control, and to listen without having to solve a problem.This wont shock you at all, but research shows men are far worse at this than women. Both sexes can certainly struggle, but this is a department where men really lag behind.And that causes a lot of problems for men. Serious problems. Not just unfulfilling relationships - its more akin to a chronic emotional illness that affects every area of life.FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of Friendship(Men who lack emotional intimacy) take longer to recover from minor illnesses, have lower resistance levels, and have reduced survival times when diagnosed with terminal illness. They are 50 percent more likely to have a first-time heart attack, and twice as likely to die from it, than men with strong social ties. When depressed, these men have significantly lower rates of recovery than those who have close relationships Wives who cite their husbands emotional unavailability as the primary cause of divorce initiate two out of every three divorces today. At the far end of the life cycle, older men without close relationships have 20 percent lower ten-year survival rates compared with those who do.That said, womens friendships arent perfect either.Were going to dive into the research and see the most common ways both sexes struggle with friendship, what they can do about it, and how they can learn from each other to improve.So how do you increase emotional intimacy and build emotionally intelligent friendships? It comes down to six steps. Lets get to it1) Know thyselfThe thing everybody skips. Knowing yourself means you know what you want and need, and this is critical for both picking new friends and strengthening existing relationships.How many friends would you optimally have? What level of closeness do you need? How frequently do you want to communicate? You want to askyourself, What features of a friendship will be most fulfilling to me in the long run?Research shows this is critical for women. We live in a world largely run by men, so women know they need close friendships to provide the things their often male-dominated-environments dont give them.FromBuddy SystemBy forming relationships with a group of women, women escape having their relationships defined by mens way of interacting. By defining relationships for themselves, women are able to construct them in a way that is mo re consistent with their own beliefs.So take some time to think about what you want and need.(No, that 2 seconds between sentences doesnt count. Really sit down and take a half hour and think. And write stuff down.)If you just rely on serendipity to bring you friendships and to move them forward, well, thats what got you where you are now. Time to be a little more deliberate.(To learn more about the science of a successful life, check out my new bookhere.)So before we go to work on developing emotional intimacy, lets find out whats been getting in the way of it. In the modern world, whats the biggest obstacle to adult friendships?2) Make the timeActually, you cant make time. We all have 24 hours in a day. The more accurate thing to say is make time with your friends a priority. What friendships need to grow intimate and strong is hours.What are the most common friendship fights about? Time commitments.ViaFriendfluence The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We AreDaniel Hruschka rev iewed studies on the causes of conflict in friendship and found that the most common friendship fights boil down to time commitments. Spending time with someone is a sure indicator that you value him no one likes to feel undervalued.And the research shows this is where men make a big mistake. Whether its due to the longer hours men spend working or simply not making friendship the priority that women do, guys often dont put in the time.FromBuddy SystemFrom the responses, it appears women were less apt to say they did not have time for friends. Although the majority (60%) of men say they have enough friends, 40% do not have enough or are unsure, a greater number than the women. It may be that some men are pulled by work and cannot find the time to balance friends, work, and family.Unsurprisingly, in adulthood the biggest thing that takes away friend-time is family-time. And while no blogger in his right mind would ever type, You should spend less time with your family, he might be ab le to get away with saying something like the far more acceptable, Balance is critical.Researchhas shown that in the modern era we have become far too reliant on spouses to provideallof our emotional needs - and that simply doesnt work. So whats a feasible solution?Including friends in family time is not only a way to kill two birds with one stone, it also improvesbothrelationships.ViaFriendfluence The Surprising Ways Friends Make Us Who We AreMost intriguing was how couples rated their own relationships more positively after interacting with other pairs. Married partners fall into routine interactions and often fail to make theeffort to entertain and please as they did when they were winning each other over. Putting your best self forward for new friends allows you to shine and to see your partner through new eyes as she shines, too. Maintaining older mutual friendships also strengthens the bond between long-term partners Having people around who think of the two of you as a unit, who admire your relationship, and who expect you to stay together can sustain you through times of doubt or distance.So you want to make friendships a priority and give them the time they need to become emotionally intimate. And if youre lacking hours, invite friends to join you for family time.(To learn how to make friends easily, clickhere.)Okay, so you know what you want and youre making pals a priority. But which of your friends do you need to focus on building emotional intimacy with?3) Must, trust, rust, and justLooking at theresearch, the types of friends that men and women have fall into the same four categories must, trust, rust and just.Must friends The inner circle. The closest of the close.Trust friends Not inner circle, but people you trust, share confidences with and know are there for you.Rust friends Theyre pals simply because youve known them a long time. (If it had more than that, theyd be must or trust.)Just friends Closer than acquaintances and you may see them regularly with a group, but youre not tight with them and dont have a big shared history.Whats critical here when it comes to emotional intimacy is those must friends. And trust friends are important because they can, with work, be promoted to must friends.First and foremost, you want to work on strengthening those must friendships and devoting more time to them. And you want to evaluate which of your trust friends meet with your know thyself criteria and might be worthy of elevation. Rust and just friends are good for rounding out your social circle but should receive less attention and investment.(To learn more about the types of friends everyone needs, clickhere.)Whats the first step in strengthening those must and trust friends - or finding totally new ones?4) Be proactiveYoure going to need to do some legwork. You need to be proactive and initiate contact.And you need to makeconcreteplans. I live in Los Angeles and in this city saying, We should get together sometime is pretty much synonymous with, I have no intention of ever seeing you again.Specify places and times or your friendships will be determined by serendipity, which is the euphemism lazy people use for dumb luck.The optimistic angle here is that if youre being passive you can pretty much be certain other people are being passive too. So if you lead, some will follow. Organize a group, throw a party, or just invite a friend to coffee.And what should you look for when meeting new folks who might become future must or trust friends? All the research agreessimilarityis key. Not only does it draw us to people, it also makes friendships more likely to last.FromBuddy SystemSimilarities also occur when tastes and interests match up, and similarities make friendships easier to maintain. And, unless you are interested in hanging out with people who make you feel bad about yourself (not a good interest to have), finding someone who conveys that you are likeable to them will be very reinforcing to your se lf-esteem.Beyond similarity, you should also look forpeople you want to learn something from. Since youtook the time to sit down and know thyself, think about the person you want to be. Your best self.Who do you want to rub off on you? To make you a better spouse, parent, worker or human being?(To learn more about how to make friends as an adult, clickhere.)Okay, you know what you want, youre making time, and youre proactive. So whats therealkey to developing emotional intimacy with your friends?5) CommunicationYeah, you hear communicating is vital constantly from experts but few ever break it down so you know how to actually do it. (These experts must not be good communicators.)You want to focus on four primary elementscreating safety, vulnerability, emotional expressiveness, and active listening.Creating safety Is my friend going to feel comfortable opening up to me? Am I being too judgmental? Or, at the opposite extreme, too nosy and pushy?Vulnerability Are you sharing personal t houghts and feelings with them? Reciprocity is powerful and this is vital to helping both of you. Quick litmus test are you scared to talk about the subject? Then youre being vulnerable.Emotional expressiveness Dont just talk thoughts. Talk feelings. Yours and theirs. (Guys, if youre recoiling at this, youre proving the point that you need to work on it.)Active listening Good listeners dont just hear they make the other person feel heard. Nod, acknowledge, and summarize what your friend said for confirmation. As former FBI hostage negotiatorChris Vossadvises, if they respond Exactly - youre doing it right.Women are much better at this than men. They spend more time communicating and focus more on emotional support.FromBuddy SystemWhen asked the question concerning what they did with their friends, giving emotional support also was more common for women than for men.Much of male communication is teasing the other guy (which, taken too far, is the opposite of safety.) Men feel being vulnerable is theworstthing they can do (and to be fair, the cultural ideal of the strong, silent type and phrases like man up arent helping any.) Males are taught not to be expressive. And guys tend to focus on problem-solving instead of listening during conversations.FromBreaking the Male Code Unlocking the Power of FriendshipWe have found in our Friendship Labs that men are often willing to trade zingers and even enjoy mutual sparring, but only in limited doses. And while most will put up with it, they definitely will not open up when its coming at them.That said, women face challenges here too. Because they are taught to put others at ease and say supportive things, the issue of trust can become a problem Does she really mean what shes saying, or is she just being nice?FromBuddy SystemSociologist Lillian Rubin cites one woman as saying that, because women are so expressive and afraid of hurting someones feelings, compliments are never assumed to be true. How can I believe she me ans I look good when she says it automatically, every time I see her?The solution for both sexes is, you guessed it, more and deeper communication. Doing the things necessary to make the other person feel safe - and then vulnerably discussing tough subjects gently and respectfully.(To learn more about how to handle the most difficult of conversations, clickhere.)So you have the tools to build emotional intimacy. But once you have it, how do you keep a solid friendship alive?6) UpkeepFriendships require upkeep, like a plant. Yes, some friends are succulents that require little watering but youre probably forgetting all the ones that turned brown and ended up in the trash.You need to stay in regular contact. Research shows for solid friendships,every 2 weeksis the minimum.In general, women are much better at this than men.FromBuddy SystemWomen maintain friendships largely through communication and staying in frequent contact In contrast, only 10% of the men maintained friendships thr ough frequent contactBut ladies face problems as well. Due to the amount of communication and openness, women are more likely to damage their friendships than men.Survey results show women were more likely to say they lost a friend because of something they said or did (65% vs 50% for men.)That said, women are more likely to make efforts to repair damaged friendships, while men are more likely to let the relationship dissolve.So women might want to put more effort in to not getting offended. And given how difficult it can be for men to make must friends, they should learn from the ladies and make more attempts to fix a troubled friendship rather than just moving on.(To learn how neuroscience can teach you to be more emotionally intelligent, clickhere.)Alright, weve learned a lot. Time to round it all up and see how all this leads to a more meaningful lifeSum upThis is how to make emotionally intelligent friendshipsKnow thyself To get the friendships you want, you have to know what y ou want.Make time More accurately, make it a priority. We all waste time. So, uh, just dont waste time alone.Must, Trust, Rust, Just The first two are key. Strengthen the must and try to elevate the trust.Be proactive In case you need confirmation, waiting for the phone to ring does not, in fact, make the phone ring.Communication Create safety, be vulnerable, be emotionally expressive and use active listening. And a sincere compliment never hurt either, beautiful.Upkeep Youre not too busy to send a text message every two weeks. If you think youll forget, put it in your calendar.Researchshows your friends often know you better than you know yourself. So not only does being closer to friends make your life better, its also the path to getting to know yourself better.So do what it takes to improve your relationships with friends and youll also improve the one relationship thats key to happiness in lifeThe one you have with yourself.Join more than 320,000 readers.Get a free weekly updat e via emailhere.This article first appeared at Barking Up the Wrong Tree.You might also enjoyNew neuroscience reveals 4 rituals that will make you happyStrangers know your social class in the first seven words you say, study finds10 lessons from Benjamin Franklins daily schedule that will double your productivityThe worst mistakes you can make in an interview, according to 12 CEOs10 habits of mentally strong people